when hummingbirds fail to hum

Ugh, what a week. It was full of frustration, schedule mishaps, unhealthiness and overall stress. I am hoping that this rain will wash that all away and bring a new fresh, clean start.

Since starting work, and seeing and being around and exposed to some of the things I have been, I have really noticed my sense of humor and general outlook on things\life\people. My mom says it’s tainted. I say it’s survival in all the right ways.

The patients I work with have some of the worst circumstances imaginable, and if we didn’t laugh every once in a while, we wouldn’t be able to keep such an upbeat environment for them. It’s hard to go to work everyday and face such horrible odds for these people you become attached to. You know what the outcome will be, and yet you still have that sliver of “but just maybe” looming in the back of your mind.



With all of that being said, I have decided to write down and keep some of the funny\odd things they say to me. Here are the first few:

“You have nice teeth… Are they for sale?!”

“I will not drink that, It’s MEXICAN!” (referring to her milk, which had Chinese characters on the carton might I add)

“You look nice. But I know you’re not,.”

“My roommate called my a faggot because I turned off the T.V., that means thief right? I’m no thief!!!”



All in a days work…

splitting at the seams and now

I’m just not feeling it.

Work is work. The people are all so depressingly happy to see you everyday. They have some of the biggest hurdles of their lives ahead of them, life itself, and yet their biggest fear of the day, is that Bingo will be canceled.

((communications are not even. no straight lines, the hills divide. interception. perception. deception.))

I am tired of being the string holding it together. I thought I gave up that role long ago.

The past few days have been a mixture of feelings, and sometimes the void of any feelings at all.

((when I needed you most you skidded by. at a standstill. nothing new. forever on repeat.))

tippity top

Memories Meanderings and Moments of 2009:

10. Bouncing Souls- The crowd was high energy, the band sounded amazing, the venue was one of my comfort-zone venues, and I was in the need of a pick-me-up. The night had all the ingredients for a good time and it more than succeeded.

9. NIN- First time seeing them, thinking it was to be my last; sound-check and meet and greet, and I couldn’t have asked for more. That was, until I heard they were coming back, and we yet again got tickets for the last of the last. A three-hour, non-stop, jaw-dropping, energetic display of their amazing talent and heart. I want more.


8. Far- They have such strong lyrics that touch you to the core, and a presence that overwhelms and makes you feel so “in it.” I saw them first back in February with a crazy little opener called Hottub, and then again in Sacramento. I am anxiously awaiting their newest album, and subsequently, their newest touring dates.



7. Rafting- We were all sunscreened, layered, and life-jacketed-up, ready for our little adventure… our guide was amazing. Laid-back, funny, adventurous, and just the right ammount of inappropriate. The views were breath taking and the ride was amazing. I want to do it again, bigger and better this time.

6. Quest- The crazy little 8-weeks of summer that fills your days with sayings like “social cues,” “personal space,” “hands to self,” “stay with the group,” and “do not put that in your mouth!”


5. Jonah- The heartwarming voice of a friend, only amplified. Having him play Miles’ birthday was such an incredible experience. The surprise, the reaction, the words both spoken and sung, the audience. Feelings were summed up in one private performance.

4. Europe- A 12 day little jaunt around Europe with someone equally as open minded and adventuresome was so much fun. We saw all the big things (Eiffel tour, Berlin wall, etc.) as well as some quaint little things (artists building, small cafes, cemeteries, etc.) A never-over-told story that I want to relive again and again, except in new places.


3. Ampersand- The newest addition to our little family. The perfect combination of energy and cuddliness. The closest you can come to a cat being a dog.


2. Tattoos- Me. Mine. More.



1. Miles- That best friend you never knew you had, turned boyfriend… The care-free, laughter filled days with him have made this year one of the best I have had. Never before have I felt such a connection to someone. That feeling that I can say or do what I need to without having to explain myself, because he already knows, he already gets me, gets it. With such an amazing first year, I am only that much more excited for the next ones.


Books:

10. Fahrenheit 451- “Kerosene is nothing but perfume to me.”

9. The Water Giver- “The brain, I know, cannot be trusted with the past. It skips pages, whole chapters. It rewrites.”

8. Ender’s Game- “Sometimes lies are more dependable than truth”

7. Girlfriend in Coma- “It was my fear of a world that would expand suddenly, violently, and without rules or laws: bubbles and seaweed and storms and frightening volumes of dark blue that never end.”

6. Mister Posterior and the Genius Child- “Down down baby, Down by the rollercoaster.”

5. Eating The Dinosaur- “On a human-emptiness scale of one to ten, this was a fourteen.”

4. American Gods- "This is the only country in the world," said Wednesday, into the stillness, "that worries about what it is."
"What?"
"The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are."

3. The Drawing of the Three- "He let go of the prisoner's mind and retreated, watching, waiting to see if the prisoner knew he was there or not."

2. Lullabies for Little Criminals- "If you want to get a child to love you, then you should just go and hide in the closet for three or four hours. They get down on their knees and pray for you to return. That child will turn you into God. Lousy children probably wrote the Bible."

1. Wizard and Glass- "Its trouble and it's in our road."


Others:
Jesus’ Son
Our Noise
Vagina Monologues
The Informers
Severance
Being There
Speed of Dark
The Alchemist
The Shame of a Nation

Currently:
Wolves of Calla (page 468\697)
You Better Not Cry (page 175\206)


Patience is the ability to countdown before you blast off.