putting together a robot without the instruction manual

So, I've started yet another book. Reading just seems so peaceful, even if the book I'm reading evokes every emotion but peace. The act of sitting\laying quietly and reading. Feeling the pages as you turn them, and feeling a sense of accomplishment as you check to see how much further you have to go. And then the final Ta-Da! when you actually finish it and take in a deep breath and reflect on the journey you just took through pages filled with words. The whole process seems almost magical, and I love it. It nevr ceases to help me escape for a moment, to help me feel a ease when I come back to reality, and help me feel more grounded. Those little moments of reading I have I cherish, I want to have more.

Currently:
Dark Tower #5 Wolves of the Calla (half-way done)
Our Noise (37 pages)
Lullabies for Little Criminals (30 pages)

The last book, Lullabies for Little Criminals I just started yesterday at the cemetery in between DT. I love it. It reminds me a lot of the last one I read, Mister Posterior and the Genius Child. Both are told by a child who is exposed to very grown-up things. The colorful language and sentence structure and descriptions of things as a child would describe things are so eye opening and fun.

"...and thought that I was good-looking enough to be in a circus with men throwing knives at me. I was especially good-looking after Id eaten spaghetti sauce and my lips were all stained orange. Whenever things were going well I started to feel vain."

just our hands clasped so tight

I’m really excited for fall to be here. Granted, it has only actually felt like Fall for the last few days… but none the less. Buying new hoodies, wearing fluffy sweats for pajamas, feeling the brisk air when you breathe, I love it all.

((falling memories like falling leaves. i wish the colors would change the same way. sunshine is foolish, the coldness is there, although hidden. it comes at any moment, without warning, the lighst don’t flash, the warning signs invisible.))


I walked past some girl today who thought she may be getting a cold, and her friend said, and I quote, “You should drink Gatorade, it has electrons in it.” I laughed as I passed them in their mini skirts and fur boots. If you are wearing one of those things, the other doesn’t match up based on weather alone, I’ll disregard the fact that it’s a miniskirt and fur boots in general.

Jobs are lined up. Now if only schedules would follow suit. I’m excited to work again. I like being around people and being busy. Not having anything to do has been harder than I would have thought. Plus, the whole money thing.

A surprise is in the mix, and as I solidified the plans and ordered it and what not, it made me think. Surprises always make me feel so off-guard. It’s that awkward nervous feeling that is so fun to watch but so uncomfortable to feel. This one wont be like that though, it has happiness written all over it. It will only bring a smile. I can’t remember the last time I was surprised with something. Not a good one anyway, not one that makes me smile.


After fall comes winter. I love the season. I hate the feelings it brings up. The nervousness of crossing off the days on the calendar is getting closer and closer. It has hit me hard, twice. Once while watching Away We Go. I liked that movie. And then again the following morning as I watched the sun rise out the window. Random times, as always. I wish I had a little more control over it, or a little more comfort when it left, but I’m stuck here with neither, and so it comes and goes when it wants…


Reading back over this, it seems like a nice little synopsis, minus school. Which I would like to minus in real life. Shows, big and small are on the horizon, a mini getaway and some friendly get-togethers.

dreams dieing distantly

Disappointment turned into utter amazement and excitement when NIN cancelled their show for 9.3 and then rescheduled it for 9.8. It was an early morning drive times two… but the three hour setlist and multiple special guests more than made up for it.

Finished the book Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins. It was a nice book to help get back into reading. Before summer and Quest I was reading so much more. Miles and I would go find a little escape, and read for a few hours everyday. I miss it, and am excited to get back into it. The book itself was fun and easy. Narrated through an 8-year old girl with an eccentric single mother in the 80’s, it kept me entertained and laughing. I want to read her other book, a collection of essays on cultural okay’s and no-no’s, Tongue First.

((step one is done. is everything okay? things are moving in a straight line. slope. shadows overlap now and overwhelm less. landscape not portrait. im not in need of a favor. the expansion is endless, the destination is final. the web is woven and visible, the strings unbreakable. understandable. manipulation? maybe.))

::sitting in the quad, waiting for photo::
boy-Do you hate the word cunt?
girl-No, I don’t care.
boy-Good, because it’s my favorite word.
girl-Favorite word or favorite thing?
boy-Both.

Dreams dieing distantly
Long lingering light
Falling further faraway
Fabricated fouled fight
Sacrificial senses stating
An awkward abandonment
Naked notions needing
Sweet succulent selfless scents
Aromas airing anonymously
Teaching the tale to tell
Dislocated dreams deadening
Fictionalizing failure; a final farewell

Not having a solid job makes me anxious. I need the stability of the paycheck. Knowing I have money coming, and a place I need to be. I need to be busy. I'll keep looking.

Little things seem to be making me the most happy. Little words. Little actions. A little relief.

she's always late

It is the unforeseen for which we must calculate most largely.



Sometimes I think people walking around, talking to their friends, family, people on the phone, etc, have no idea where they are, who they are surrounded by, or how loud they are talking. Some of the things I have heard in the last few weeks are shocking, funny, shockingly funny, and just plain sad.

I hate when I have to rely on someone so heavily. I don’t like feeling so dependent.

I know exactly what I want in the future. I know what I want, but I am terrified to say it outloud for fear of it not happening. For fear of it not panning out, not being what everyone else has in mind. I wonder how long I can hold off.

Sometimes I feel as if I am competing with myself. Running, swimming, biking, climbing… a full Iron Man race against myself. I need a water break.

Walking from class to class, watching people not knowing they are being watched. You can see the people who are afraid of life, the ones that second guess each step they take. The ones happy with the path they are taking, the ones with a bounce in their step. The ones with no motivation, walking zombie-like from edge to edge of each pathway, never in the middle, never wanting to have to look up to move. I wonder what I look like, I wonder who is watching me.

Tie it to a goal...

Plan A,B,C, and now... D.

Taking the twists and turns a little more smoothly now. Patience is the art of hoping.

I accept chaos, I'm not sure it accepts me.

((blankets not doing their job. the shivers of emotions crashing over are taking control. people not being themselves. not holding up their end of the bargain. feeling the breeze from the fall, and dreading the final landing. frustration overwhelms. changes the shapes being shown in the reflective surfaces. the truth is what you tell me, if thats what you want, if thats what it is. envy over the past. is it any different. i wouldn't know. i shouldn't know. tired of not feeling the equal, but tired of caring. tired of not knowing what to do next, tired of caring so much it hurts. the horizon is bright. the yellow is so piercing and calming at the same time. time. years even. patience is all it will take. if only i had it for everything.))

Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

So much craziness, so little time.

School is off and running. Apart from adding the wrong class, everything seems to be going okay with them.

Jonah and LA were much needed. We walked in and handed Jonah our action figure and it felt so good to see him smile in appreciate and heartfelt laughter at the idea of this little creature we made for him. The two openers, gardening, not architecture and Iamani, were so perfect for setting the mood, engaging the crowd, and getting everyone in the right state of mind. I'm excited to see them again soon, hopefully. Jonah was amazing, played the end of the alphabet and thensome. The aftershow in the atrium on the side of Hollywood Blvd ended the night perfectly... Words can't describe how amazing the night was.

Living situation is so up in the air. It was solidified, or so I thought. It's so uneasy not knowing where you will be living. I know it has affected more than i want to admit. It makes me constantly on edge. Worrying. Hopefully the new plan will work out. Although the timing is off, I'm excited, and happy about it nonetheless.


In the next few days things should fall slowly into place, or they should...