when hummingbirds fail to hum

Ugh, what a week. It was full of frustration, schedule mishaps, unhealthiness and overall stress. I am hoping that this rain will wash that all away and bring a new fresh, clean start.

Since starting work, and seeing and being around and exposed to some of the things I have been, I have really noticed my sense of humor and general outlook on things\life\people. My mom says it’s tainted. I say it’s survival in all the right ways.

The patients I work with have some of the worst circumstances imaginable, and if we didn’t laugh every once in a while, we wouldn’t be able to keep such an upbeat environment for them. It’s hard to go to work everyday and face such horrible odds for these people you become attached to. You know what the outcome will be, and yet you still have that sliver of “but just maybe” looming in the back of your mind.



With all of that being said, I have decided to write down and keep some of the funny\odd things they say to me. Here are the first few:

“You have nice teeth… Are they for sale?!”

“I will not drink that, It’s MEXICAN!” (referring to her milk, which had Chinese characters on the carton might I add)

“You look nice. But I know you’re not,.”

“My roommate called my a faggot because I turned off the T.V., that means thief right? I’m no thief!!!”



All in a days work…

splitting at the seams and now

I’m just not feeling it.

Work is work. The people are all so depressingly happy to see you everyday. They have some of the biggest hurdles of their lives ahead of them, life itself, and yet their biggest fear of the day, is that Bingo will be canceled.

((communications are not even. no straight lines, the hills divide. interception. perception. deception.))

I am tired of being the string holding it together. I thought I gave up that role long ago.

The past few days have been a mixture of feelings, and sometimes the void of any feelings at all.

((when I needed you most you skidded by. at a standstill. nothing new. forever on repeat.))

tippity top

Memories Meanderings and Moments of 2009:

10. Bouncing Souls- The crowd was high energy, the band sounded amazing, the venue was one of my comfort-zone venues, and I was in the need of a pick-me-up. The night had all the ingredients for a good time and it more than succeeded.

9. NIN- First time seeing them, thinking it was to be my last; sound-check and meet and greet, and I couldn’t have asked for more. That was, until I heard they were coming back, and we yet again got tickets for the last of the last. A three-hour, non-stop, jaw-dropping, energetic display of their amazing talent and heart. I want more.


8. Far- They have such strong lyrics that touch you to the core, and a presence that overwhelms and makes you feel so “in it.” I saw them first back in February with a crazy little opener called Hottub, and then again in Sacramento. I am anxiously awaiting their newest album, and subsequently, their newest touring dates.



7. Rafting- We were all sunscreened, layered, and life-jacketed-up, ready for our little adventure… our guide was amazing. Laid-back, funny, adventurous, and just the right ammount of inappropriate. The views were breath taking and the ride was amazing. I want to do it again, bigger and better this time.

6. Quest- The crazy little 8-weeks of summer that fills your days with sayings like “social cues,” “personal space,” “hands to self,” “stay with the group,” and “do not put that in your mouth!”


5. Jonah- The heartwarming voice of a friend, only amplified. Having him play Miles’ birthday was such an incredible experience. The surprise, the reaction, the words both spoken and sung, the audience. Feelings were summed up in one private performance.

4. Europe- A 12 day little jaunt around Europe with someone equally as open minded and adventuresome was so much fun. We saw all the big things (Eiffel tour, Berlin wall, etc.) as well as some quaint little things (artists building, small cafes, cemeteries, etc.) A never-over-told story that I want to relive again and again, except in new places.


3. Ampersand- The newest addition to our little family. The perfect combination of energy and cuddliness. The closest you can come to a cat being a dog.


2. Tattoos- Me. Mine. More.



1. Miles- That best friend you never knew you had, turned boyfriend… The care-free, laughter filled days with him have made this year one of the best I have had. Never before have I felt such a connection to someone. That feeling that I can say or do what I need to without having to explain myself, because he already knows, he already gets me, gets it. With such an amazing first year, I am only that much more excited for the next ones.


Books:

10. Fahrenheit 451- “Kerosene is nothing but perfume to me.”

9. The Water Giver- “The brain, I know, cannot be trusted with the past. It skips pages, whole chapters. It rewrites.”

8. Ender’s Game- “Sometimes lies are more dependable than truth”

7. Girlfriend in Coma- “It was my fear of a world that would expand suddenly, violently, and without rules or laws: bubbles and seaweed and storms and frightening volumes of dark blue that never end.”

6. Mister Posterior and the Genius Child- “Down down baby, Down by the rollercoaster.”

5. Eating The Dinosaur- “On a human-emptiness scale of one to ten, this was a fourteen.”

4. American Gods- "This is the only country in the world," said Wednesday, into the stillness, "that worries about what it is."
"What?"
"The rest of them know what they are. No one ever needs to go searching for the heart of Norway. Or looks for the soul of Mozambique. They know what they are."

3. The Drawing of the Three- "He let go of the prisoner's mind and retreated, watching, waiting to see if the prisoner knew he was there or not."

2. Lullabies for Little Criminals- "If you want to get a child to love you, then you should just go and hide in the closet for three or four hours. They get down on their knees and pray for you to return. That child will turn you into God. Lousy children probably wrote the Bible."

1. Wizard and Glass- "Its trouble and it's in our road."


Others:
Jesus’ Son
Our Noise
Vagina Monologues
The Informers
Severance
Being There
Speed of Dark
The Alchemist
The Shame of a Nation

Currently:
Wolves of Calla (page 468\697)
You Better Not Cry (page 175\206)


Patience is the ability to countdown before you blast off.

stitched together with good intentions

Christmas has come and gone.

Meals on Wheels was a success, not necessarily in terms of numbers (however we did add people to our party) but in the sense that it was fun, we gave back, and felt good about doing it. Two cars, Me, Miles and Denise, and in my mom's car was her, Haley and Nikoo. It was a fun, laid-back kind of crew. Some stressing over streets and San Francisco in general...little did we know we would get the Tenderloin District. 40 meals, some interesting sights, smells, and conversations later...

The day continued with presents and stockings, and then a big dinner with everyone. I like having a big family\friends kind of dinner, it made it more fun. Miles and I, with our limited wrapping resources, made all of our wrapping with quotes, lyrics, drawings, and sayings on them. It made each gift like a present inside a present. Some were funny, some heartfelt, some so touching it made the water flow. I loved it, and am excited to do this from here on out.

As for gifts, I got some amazing, and very "me" things... a candle from India which I love, a home-made purse which I keep getting compliments on, books from my favorite author, a monkey that warms you from the inside out, and my current obsession, Katamari.


Tomorrow is the 30th. Mixed feelings. Cirque-du-Soleil in the evening will be a nice way to be together.


Working on Top Ten's now.

Talking to Nikoo and Miles about tattoos made me want my next one that much more. First pay check is definitely helping with this need.

how good it is to see you

I started this post last night... It was one of those ones that you write, delete, write delete. Thoughts and musings from this and that.

Today and Thursday, those are the most important for this week. My last two finals of the semester, and then a nice break. Thinking about school, how much SJSU messed up things, and now having to go back and "fix" it is always kind of a downer. Butttt, on the bright side, hopefully only two more semesters here and then transferring to somewhere where I feel like I can actually use what they are teaching me.

I am comfortable. I feel like that is the best word to describe things at the moment. Nothing is surprising, which I can't decide if this is good or not. Sometimes I want small surprises, but they never seem to happen. School is the same as it has been, monotonous and dry. The days tend to meld into one, and I find myself forgetting simple things.

Things I can't seem to get enough of:
warmth-my body seems incapable of staying warm
security-simple reassurances of simple things.
competition-I get a feeling of competing for the weirdest things with people, I shouldn't, but I do.
laughter-I usually make myself laugh, or I am laughing AT myself.
sense of family-my family is weird, and unique and loving and needy and I love them, even the ones I put into my 'family' category
squishes-the feeling of being encompassed by someone else, bear hugs, cuddling, etc.
candy-all kinds, all the time. it's really quite ridiculous
you-you are my warmth, security, laughter, sense of family, squishes...and sometimes you even bring me candy.

That seems to sum it up, the rest of the can't-live-without's fit somewhere in there...

Christmas shopping is done. Wrapping the items as we go. I like the wrapping I like the wrapping I'm doing this year...it's all plain paper and I am writing messages\poems\sayings on them. A little more personal, and a lot more fun.

I decided that I wasn't going to just accept who I've become, but instead work to make myself a better person--the one I always wanted to be, but never quite had the courage to achieve.

On days like this I just need more.

planet earth turns slowly

Interview this morning at the Orinda Country Club. It was like the Claremont…beautifully and elaborately decorated for the holidays, important people walking in and out, money being flashed to get more of whatever it is they do there… And then there was me. I met with all of the “Presidents” and “V.P.’s” of this and that for the interview, it was nerve wracking. When I left and shook all their hands, one of them looked me in the eye and said “I feel honored to have met a real life hero.” It was out of character for how the rest of the meeting had been. It was a simple gesture, but it was nice, and he meant it. Weird that someone thinks of me that way.

The wind is biting. I like the feeling, it makes you feel alive.

((Sometimes I feel as if I am waiting for something. Something I fear I will never get. Odd and unsettling. Easier said than done. The past is haunting. It’s not the same., it’s not what I want. Sometimes all you need is a little more, a little reassurance, a little bow on a box. Fragile: handle with care.))

Today is full of tired eyes, a needing, wintry winds, and stresses…I need a new heating pad and a cuddly nap.

[25 minutes later, standing in the cold and rain, the whole class locked out. It’s an omen.]

Apple strudel pop tarts make the bite less fierce, if only for a minute.

Christmas plans are coming into shape. This holiday is daunting. I remember when it was all carefree; trees, ornaments and holiday cookies… but now it’s as if stress has been added as an extra ingredient to the holiday cookies. Stress must be the sprinkles.

Haley is excited that she gets to have all her presents for people be secrets for the first time, being that she can drive herself now. I remember thinking that when I first had my license, but it’s cute none-the-less. The family has decided to do stockings for everyone, which I think are the most fun because they are all little gifts, inside jokes, personal memories. I finished a lot of shopping for things via the Internet thus far. Thank god for the Internet, no crowds, only keys and credit cards, and those I can handle.

…back to class\finals\reading.

Red is a sunset
Blazy and bright.
Red is feeling brave
With all your might.
Red is a sunburn
Spot on your nose,
Sometimes red
Is a red, red rose.
Red squiggles out
When you cut your hand.
Red is a brick and
A rubber band.

((you make me red))

pick up all your tools and build a roof.

It snowed, and that's weird. Waking up to snow is not something you do in Orinda. Or any part of the East Bay for that matter. Fun to see and watch how everyone dealt with it. Facebook status' galore.


((translucence. identity fading. fuzzy shades of grey. clear clouds of white.))

As we head into the craziness that is the holidays I'm feeling more and more on edge.

A list of things coming up:
Interview for job #4
Decide which job I actually want
Write a paper
Finals next week
Christmas (planning, shopping, making, creating)
30th

All in all it's not too bad, it's just that they are all clumped together in the next two weeks or so.

In class discussion today some girl told me I was really smart, being that I hadn't read the material, and was killing the forum group. Usually I pass things such as this off as a "small-talk" kind of compliment, but today, it felt nice, especially coming from her.

((connection is weak. static. pressure is low, but the affects are high. limited options. divide and conquer.))



Secrets like this make life much more fun. Tiring, but fun. Christmas love puppets are pretty high up there too.