little girls in pretty boxes

I love you as many chocolate chips in all the cookies in the world.

Sometimes I think of people as being an outer shell of something. Like one of those matryoshka dolls, or when I was little and my mom would wrap my smallest gifts in multiple boxes and you are really just a collection of boxes. The idea that with each experience you undo a layer, open a box, unpeel something of yourself. And as you do you are getting closer and closer to perfection, to your utmost insides. The closer you get to the inside, the closer you get to your "perfect." It may not be everyone's perfect, because no one is perfect. And maybe this stems from everyones "prefect" being different because everyone inside box, inside doll is different. I don't know, reading back through it, maybe it makes no sense, but maybe it makes all the sense in the world.


I am ready for winter. I bought rain boots that I am excited for, and in order to wear them properly I am going to need some rain. I am more than enjoying the cold, although this year seems to be hitting my body harder than usual. This cough just wont let up. Miles jokes that it's whooping cough because of the odd noise it makes. I would laugh, but laughing makes me cough.

Four possible jobs. One easy. Two familiar. One helpful. Decisions decisions. Money will be welcomed with open arms.

This post is all over the place. Like most. Comforting and at ease. Midnight messages make me melt.

like no other.

Today is a day like no other. Full of insecurities, of a need for something.

((it hits out of nowhere. blindsided by the grey. the finality was already met, there's no going back. thankful on one hand. hurt on the other. mix it togther and im left with nothing. who knows where the road leads. where your dead end meets. when it rains it pours. when it shines it snores.))



((the changes around me terrify you. cobwebs of the past continue. strings connecting. wish they would break. needs have been voiced. opinions laughed off. senses are senseless.))

Rewinding...

A week of being sick and counting… lets rewind.

10.29.2k9-Miles’ day of birth. Dinner and Where the Wild Things Are. The movie was so heartfelt. The little boy did an amazing job, he was so connected, so on. Definitely not a kids movie, even though it was based off a kids book\screenplay. Mellow night all in all.

10.30.2k9-Bonfire. With the Bay Bridge being closed because of the steel rod fix from Labor Day not being so much as a fix, as it was a fail, we made alternate plans. Some people bailed, which was all telling in and of itself. Piled into cars at our usual spot, and headed for the San Mateo Bridge and an hour and a half commute to the beach. Fog, picnic food, blankets and fire were all in attendance. The surprise was perfect. I met Jonah up at the parking lot, and we decided he would sneak up behind him play “14-41,” so fitting, it being for his birthday. From the moment he started playing and Miles realized what was going on, the night was off and running in a joyous, magical, marathon of emotions. Jonah said some of the sweetest things I have ever heard anyone say to someone, they were so fitting, so pushing, so inspiring, so Jonah. He played for a good hour, we all said our thanks and our goodbyes, and watched as the fire died out and everyone trickled back to their cars and made their awkward ways back to the east bay.

10.31.2k9-Halloween. The onset of being sick had hit by now. With both of us down, it was hard for either of us to get any better. We spent the morning catching up on what sleep we could, and then moved into costume making. We tried to make Max. With the fabric bought, and the clothes ready, all we needed was time and energy, both of which we didn’t have. Sewing took too long, glue wouldn’t glue, and staples wouldn’t staple. We had to give up. I went as a wind-up doll, all I had to make was the “key” out of cardboard and foil and tie it around myself. He went as himself in a trench coat and mustache, so not really himself at all. Headed to Patrick and Shayna’s for a small get-together of the perfect caliber. Mingling, Pumpkin Craving Contest, Rockband, food, it was exactly the amount of energy we had to spend being that we were both already sick…


11.6.2k9-Revival Tour. Met up with Zack and his friend Chris outside of Slims. As soon as we walked in and you saw the myriad of instruments and the multiple microphones on stage you knew the night was going to be memorable. Chuck Regan got together a fun and talented number of musicians that complemented each other in a way that made anyone want to sing along. The most awe-inspiring was the Anderson Family Blue Grass Band. A mom, dad, and four kids, all playing and singing unique and fun songs as well as the songs of Chuck, Frank Turner, and Jim Ward was simply amazing. My favorite, of course, was the youngest, a little girl named Daisy May, must have been 6 or 7, who sang and finger picked the guitar in the back of the crowded stage. She was so excited and full of spunk throughout the whole night. The funniest part was watching Zack. He was so alive, so happy to be a part of this musical experience. I wish more people were like him.


11.8.2k9-Mom’s Birthday. I had bought an old window at Urban Ore in Berkeley. I broke out 4 of the 8 windows and glue mosaics on the other 4. I wish I had more time and energy to work on it, but overall I was pleased with how it turned out. We all went to dinner at El Charro on Sunday night and all three of us kids gave her the window, Haley made a power point of pictures of her, and we all had a nice night. It was fun to get together with the family and have a nice laid-back and celebratory dinner like that.

Today. It’s freezing, and our heater is hit or miss. We finally got it on after an annoying fight with the pilot light and some horrible smelling dust burning. This sickness just refuses to let up and is draining me like I cant explain. I taunted with the idea of getting my mom a puppy for her birthday, but decided not to, only to find out she would have been okay with it. I think the idea came from my need for something to take care of. I miss my dog so much, and when I go to other people’s houses that have their kitties and dogs I am so jealous. I miss the playfulness and cuddlieness of the little creatures.

I think that’s enough for one day. Just the skeletons of the past week and a half. The meat is all the craziness, I’ll just keep that to myself for now. I was going to put pictures with the day to day updates, but well, they aren't all on my computer, and I have run out of stamina for this post, so here it is in all its glory.

((sometimes I wish you would get really fat because I know how much that would devastate you, but mostly I just don’t care))