dreams dieing distantly

Disappointment turned into utter amazement and excitement when NIN cancelled their show for 9.3 and then rescheduled it for 9.8. It was an early morning drive times two… but the three hour setlist and multiple special guests more than made up for it.

Finished the book Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins. It was a nice book to help get back into reading. Before summer and Quest I was reading so much more. Miles and I would go find a little escape, and read for a few hours everyday. I miss it, and am excited to get back into it. The book itself was fun and easy. Narrated through an 8-year old girl with an eccentric single mother in the 80’s, it kept me entertained and laughing. I want to read her other book, a collection of essays on cultural okay’s and no-no’s, Tongue First.

((step one is done. is everything okay? things are moving in a straight line. slope. shadows overlap now and overwhelm less. landscape not portrait. im not in need of a favor. the expansion is endless, the destination is final. the web is woven and visible, the strings unbreakable. understandable. manipulation? maybe.))

::sitting in the quad, waiting for photo::
boy-Do you hate the word cunt?
girl-No, I don’t care.
boy-Good, because it’s my favorite word.
girl-Favorite word or favorite thing?
boy-Both.

Dreams dieing distantly
Long lingering light
Falling further faraway
Fabricated fouled fight
Sacrificial senses stating
An awkward abandonment
Naked notions needing
Sweet succulent selfless scents
Aromas airing anonymously
Teaching the tale to tell
Dislocated dreams deadening
Fictionalizing failure; a final farewell

Not having a solid job makes me anxious. I need the stability of the paycheck. Knowing I have money coming, and a place I need to be. I need to be busy. I'll keep looking.

Little things seem to be making me the most happy. Little words. Little actions. A little relief.

she's always late

It is the unforeseen for which we must calculate most largely.



Sometimes I think people walking around, talking to their friends, family, people on the phone, etc, have no idea where they are, who they are surrounded by, or how loud they are talking. Some of the things I have heard in the last few weeks are shocking, funny, shockingly funny, and just plain sad.

I hate when I have to rely on someone so heavily. I don’t like feeling so dependent.

I know exactly what I want in the future. I know what I want, but I am terrified to say it outloud for fear of it not happening. For fear of it not panning out, not being what everyone else has in mind. I wonder how long I can hold off.

Sometimes I feel as if I am competing with myself. Running, swimming, biking, climbing… a full Iron Man race against myself. I need a water break.

Walking from class to class, watching people not knowing they are being watched. You can see the people who are afraid of life, the ones that second guess each step they take. The ones happy with the path they are taking, the ones with a bounce in their step. The ones with no motivation, walking zombie-like from edge to edge of each pathway, never in the middle, never wanting to have to look up to move. I wonder what I look like, I wonder who is watching me.