stitched together with good intentions

Christmas has come and gone.

Meals on Wheels was a success, not necessarily in terms of numbers (however we did add people to our party) but in the sense that it was fun, we gave back, and felt good about doing it. Two cars, Me, Miles and Denise, and in my mom's car was her, Haley and Nikoo. It was a fun, laid-back kind of crew. Some stressing over streets and San Francisco in general...little did we know we would get the Tenderloin District. 40 meals, some interesting sights, smells, and conversations later...

The day continued with presents and stockings, and then a big dinner with everyone. I like having a big family\friends kind of dinner, it made it more fun. Miles and I, with our limited wrapping resources, made all of our wrapping with quotes, lyrics, drawings, and sayings on them. It made each gift like a present inside a present. Some were funny, some heartfelt, some so touching it made the water flow. I loved it, and am excited to do this from here on out.

As for gifts, I got some amazing, and very "me" things... a candle from India which I love, a home-made purse which I keep getting compliments on, books from my favorite author, a monkey that warms you from the inside out, and my current obsession, Katamari.


Tomorrow is the 30th. Mixed feelings. Cirque-du-Soleil in the evening will be a nice way to be together.


Working on Top Ten's now.

Talking to Nikoo and Miles about tattoos made me want my next one that much more. First pay check is definitely helping with this need.

how good it is to see you

I started this post last night... It was one of those ones that you write, delete, write delete. Thoughts and musings from this and that.

Today and Thursday, those are the most important for this week. My last two finals of the semester, and then a nice break. Thinking about school, how much SJSU messed up things, and now having to go back and "fix" it is always kind of a downer. Butttt, on the bright side, hopefully only two more semesters here and then transferring to somewhere where I feel like I can actually use what they are teaching me.

I am comfortable. I feel like that is the best word to describe things at the moment. Nothing is surprising, which I can't decide if this is good or not. Sometimes I want small surprises, but they never seem to happen. School is the same as it has been, monotonous and dry. The days tend to meld into one, and I find myself forgetting simple things.

Things I can't seem to get enough of:
warmth-my body seems incapable of staying warm
security-simple reassurances of simple things.
competition-I get a feeling of competing for the weirdest things with people, I shouldn't, but I do.
laughter-I usually make myself laugh, or I am laughing AT myself.
sense of family-my family is weird, and unique and loving and needy and I love them, even the ones I put into my 'family' category
squishes-the feeling of being encompassed by someone else, bear hugs, cuddling, etc.
candy-all kinds, all the time. it's really quite ridiculous
you-you are my warmth, security, laughter, sense of family, squishes...and sometimes you even bring me candy.

That seems to sum it up, the rest of the can't-live-without's fit somewhere in there...

Christmas shopping is done. Wrapping the items as we go. I like the wrapping I like the wrapping I'm doing this year...it's all plain paper and I am writing messages\poems\sayings on them. A little more personal, and a lot more fun.

I decided that I wasn't going to just accept who I've become, but instead work to make myself a better person--the one I always wanted to be, but never quite had the courage to achieve.

On days like this I just need more.

planet earth turns slowly

Interview this morning at the Orinda Country Club. It was like the Claremont…beautifully and elaborately decorated for the holidays, important people walking in and out, money being flashed to get more of whatever it is they do there… And then there was me. I met with all of the “Presidents” and “V.P.’s” of this and that for the interview, it was nerve wracking. When I left and shook all their hands, one of them looked me in the eye and said “I feel honored to have met a real life hero.” It was out of character for how the rest of the meeting had been. It was a simple gesture, but it was nice, and he meant it. Weird that someone thinks of me that way.

The wind is biting. I like the feeling, it makes you feel alive.

((Sometimes I feel as if I am waiting for something. Something I fear I will never get. Odd and unsettling. Easier said than done. The past is haunting. It’s not the same., it’s not what I want. Sometimes all you need is a little more, a little reassurance, a little bow on a box. Fragile: handle with care.))

Today is full of tired eyes, a needing, wintry winds, and stresses…I need a new heating pad and a cuddly nap.

[25 minutes later, standing in the cold and rain, the whole class locked out. It’s an omen.]

Apple strudel pop tarts make the bite less fierce, if only for a minute.

Christmas plans are coming into shape. This holiday is daunting. I remember when it was all carefree; trees, ornaments and holiday cookies… but now it’s as if stress has been added as an extra ingredient to the holiday cookies. Stress must be the sprinkles.

Haley is excited that she gets to have all her presents for people be secrets for the first time, being that she can drive herself now. I remember thinking that when I first had my license, but it’s cute none-the-less. The family has decided to do stockings for everyone, which I think are the most fun because they are all little gifts, inside jokes, personal memories. I finished a lot of shopping for things via the Internet thus far. Thank god for the Internet, no crowds, only keys and credit cards, and those I can handle.

…back to class\finals\reading.

Red is a sunset
Blazy and bright.
Red is feeling brave
With all your might.
Red is a sunburn
Spot on your nose,
Sometimes red
Is a red, red rose.
Red squiggles out
When you cut your hand.
Red is a brick and
A rubber band.

((you make me red))

pick up all your tools and build a roof.

It snowed, and that's weird. Waking up to snow is not something you do in Orinda. Or any part of the East Bay for that matter. Fun to see and watch how everyone dealt with it. Facebook status' galore.


((translucence. identity fading. fuzzy shades of grey. clear clouds of white.))

As we head into the craziness that is the holidays I'm feeling more and more on edge.

A list of things coming up:
Interview for job #4
Decide which job I actually want
Write a paper
Finals next week
Christmas (planning, shopping, making, creating)
30th

All in all it's not too bad, it's just that they are all clumped together in the next two weeks or so.

In class discussion today some girl told me I was really smart, being that I hadn't read the material, and was killing the forum group. Usually I pass things such as this off as a "small-talk" kind of compliment, but today, it felt nice, especially coming from her.

((connection is weak. static. pressure is low, but the affects are high. limited options. divide and conquer.))



Secrets like this make life much more fun. Tiring, but fun. Christmas love puppets are pretty high up there too.

bubble-yumm

If it wasn't meant to be swallowed, they shouldn't have made it taste so good.


Writing in here comes so much easier than writing for school. I wish it was the other way around. Or at least equal. Maybe if I was a little more motivated, this paper wouldn't seem so utterly daunting and ultimately undoable. Neither of those are true. Tomorrow morning, me and that paper have a date.

Registration for classes is almost impossible if there are none to be had. Thank god for online classes. I'll make do. One at a time, crossing them off my list.

Listening to a mix I made for Haley as part of her B-Day gift. The gift as a whole is fun. All parts of it have something 'made' in them. I like making things for others; being creative with what I give to them. It makes gift giving that much more personal, which, isn't that how it's supposed to be? Christmas gifts are on the mind. With limited funds and limited time, there's no other choice but to be creative. Which is fine by me.

When the smallest things were fun,
The flame-bright oranges, and ocean-deep blues,
A myriad, a mixture of hues,
I knew you were the one.

elasticity electricity.

December is here. Ironic how the first day of December is the warmest we have had in a while.

I like the small outings and adventures we are able to go on. Lately they have been few and far between as work and school schedules have been all sorts of in the way. The open mic night we went to with Patrick, Shayna, Andrew and Brandi at L’amyx was inspirational. I can’t wait to go back. Everyone was so peaceful, yet powerful. They were all respectful of everyone else’s opinions, no matter how different they may have been from their own. It was so comforting and uplifting. I want to contribute, we’ll see how long that feeling lasts when I am surrounded by a room full of people and a mic stand.



Thanksgiving came and went. So did November as a matter of fact. Classes, papers, and turkey, that was my week. We went up to my Aunt’s in Auburn, just past Sacramento. It’s so beautiful up there; the trees engulf you in their flame colored leaves, animals pitter-patter about as if you weren’t even there, and the open roads and paths seem to lead nowhere and everywhere just begging you to walk them. It was a nice relaxing two days. In between some Soprano’s Pin-Ball, Ping-Pong tournaments, Alpaca feeding, and controversial Apples to Apples, there was amazing food, and fun and friendly family conversations. Everyone was getting along so well, it was Kodak perfect, and so telling by the absence of negativity in the room.

Haley is officially 16. Party on Saturday. My mom asked me the other week “Why do I need to decorate? What’s the point?” Referring to Christmas and the holidays. She meant it in terms of me living with Miles now, my Dad being gone, and her ‘baby’ being all grown up. An hour and a half later, we came to the conclusion that she needs to think more positively. If only, if only.

It’s weird when someone you “acquaintance-ly” know sees you out and about and makes weird comments. Most of the time it’s the kind of weird where I just laugh, more at them than anything.

((an impersonal name. personally pierced. a funny little timing to a funny little thing. the deepest depths are the highest highs. a straight line. equal. even.))

Ampersand.

little girls in pretty boxes

I love you as many chocolate chips in all the cookies in the world.

Sometimes I think of people as being an outer shell of something. Like one of those matryoshka dolls, or when I was little and my mom would wrap my smallest gifts in multiple boxes and you are really just a collection of boxes. The idea that with each experience you undo a layer, open a box, unpeel something of yourself. And as you do you are getting closer and closer to perfection, to your utmost insides. The closer you get to the inside, the closer you get to your "perfect." It may not be everyone's perfect, because no one is perfect. And maybe this stems from everyones "prefect" being different because everyone inside box, inside doll is different. I don't know, reading back through it, maybe it makes no sense, but maybe it makes all the sense in the world.


I am ready for winter. I bought rain boots that I am excited for, and in order to wear them properly I am going to need some rain. I am more than enjoying the cold, although this year seems to be hitting my body harder than usual. This cough just wont let up. Miles jokes that it's whooping cough because of the odd noise it makes. I would laugh, but laughing makes me cough.

Four possible jobs. One easy. Two familiar. One helpful. Decisions decisions. Money will be welcomed with open arms.

This post is all over the place. Like most. Comforting and at ease. Midnight messages make me melt.

like no other.

Today is a day like no other. Full of insecurities, of a need for something.

((it hits out of nowhere. blindsided by the grey. the finality was already met, there's no going back. thankful on one hand. hurt on the other. mix it togther and im left with nothing. who knows where the road leads. where your dead end meets. when it rains it pours. when it shines it snores.))



((the changes around me terrify you. cobwebs of the past continue. strings connecting. wish they would break. needs have been voiced. opinions laughed off. senses are senseless.))

Rewinding...

A week of being sick and counting… lets rewind.

10.29.2k9-Miles’ day of birth. Dinner and Where the Wild Things Are. The movie was so heartfelt. The little boy did an amazing job, he was so connected, so on. Definitely not a kids movie, even though it was based off a kids book\screenplay. Mellow night all in all.

10.30.2k9-Bonfire. With the Bay Bridge being closed because of the steel rod fix from Labor Day not being so much as a fix, as it was a fail, we made alternate plans. Some people bailed, which was all telling in and of itself. Piled into cars at our usual spot, and headed for the San Mateo Bridge and an hour and a half commute to the beach. Fog, picnic food, blankets and fire were all in attendance. The surprise was perfect. I met Jonah up at the parking lot, and we decided he would sneak up behind him play “14-41,” so fitting, it being for his birthday. From the moment he started playing and Miles realized what was going on, the night was off and running in a joyous, magical, marathon of emotions. Jonah said some of the sweetest things I have ever heard anyone say to someone, they were so fitting, so pushing, so inspiring, so Jonah. He played for a good hour, we all said our thanks and our goodbyes, and watched as the fire died out and everyone trickled back to their cars and made their awkward ways back to the east bay.

10.31.2k9-Halloween. The onset of being sick had hit by now. With both of us down, it was hard for either of us to get any better. We spent the morning catching up on what sleep we could, and then moved into costume making. We tried to make Max. With the fabric bought, and the clothes ready, all we needed was time and energy, both of which we didn’t have. Sewing took too long, glue wouldn’t glue, and staples wouldn’t staple. We had to give up. I went as a wind-up doll, all I had to make was the “key” out of cardboard and foil and tie it around myself. He went as himself in a trench coat and mustache, so not really himself at all. Headed to Patrick and Shayna’s for a small get-together of the perfect caliber. Mingling, Pumpkin Craving Contest, Rockband, food, it was exactly the amount of energy we had to spend being that we were both already sick…


11.6.2k9-Revival Tour. Met up with Zack and his friend Chris outside of Slims. As soon as we walked in and you saw the myriad of instruments and the multiple microphones on stage you knew the night was going to be memorable. Chuck Regan got together a fun and talented number of musicians that complemented each other in a way that made anyone want to sing along. The most awe-inspiring was the Anderson Family Blue Grass Band. A mom, dad, and four kids, all playing and singing unique and fun songs as well as the songs of Chuck, Frank Turner, and Jim Ward was simply amazing. My favorite, of course, was the youngest, a little girl named Daisy May, must have been 6 or 7, who sang and finger picked the guitar in the back of the crowded stage. She was so excited and full of spunk throughout the whole night. The funniest part was watching Zack. He was so alive, so happy to be a part of this musical experience. I wish more people were like him.


11.8.2k9-Mom’s Birthday. I had bought an old window at Urban Ore in Berkeley. I broke out 4 of the 8 windows and glue mosaics on the other 4. I wish I had more time and energy to work on it, but overall I was pleased with how it turned out. We all went to dinner at El Charro on Sunday night and all three of us kids gave her the window, Haley made a power point of pictures of her, and we all had a nice night. It was fun to get together with the family and have a nice laid-back and celebratory dinner like that.

Today. It’s freezing, and our heater is hit or miss. We finally got it on after an annoying fight with the pilot light and some horrible smelling dust burning. This sickness just refuses to let up and is draining me like I cant explain. I taunted with the idea of getting my mom a puppy for her birthday, but decided not to, only to find out she would have been okay with it. I think the idea came from my need for something to take care of. I miss my dog so much, and when I go to other people’s houses that have their kitties and dogs I am so jealous. I miss the playfulness and cuddlieness of the little creatures.

I think that’s enough for one day. Just the skeletons of the past week and a half. The meat is all the craziness, I’ll just keep that to myself for now. I was going to put pictures with the day to day updates, but well, they aren't all on my computer, and I have run out of stamina for this post, so here it is in all its glory.

((sometimes I wish you would get really fat because I know how much that would devastate you, but mostly I just don’t care))

you are contrasting the nude

((there is a certain fuzziness. it’s not soft. black on white. unbalanced. i want the scales to tip left. teeter-totter. motion sickness from the ups and downs. calm is coming.))

Halloween in a little over a week. No idea what we are doing. I like Halloween. I like the idea of being something\someone new and different for a night, even if only in appearances. Dressing up is always fun. I want to dress up. And I want to do something. I want to go to a haunted house, one that will scare me. I am beginning to enjoy being scared more and more. I blame Miles.

I have finally broken through some sort of wall, and as hard and annoying as it was, I feel good about it. I feel comfortable on a new level, and it's, well...comforting.

Finished Lullabies for Little Criminals. I loved the book all the way until the last ten pages which is frustrating. It just seemed to end so abruptly. I wanted more. Moving right along through Dark Tower, as I get more and more of the background of the story, of their world, the more you get pulled into the book. It's amazing. I started Jesus' Son today and am half-way done. I'll finish it tomorrow. I love the writing, the details, the comparisons of everyday things to natural phenomena, and beauty. It's captivating and intriguing and the fact that it's a little less than 200 pages means it will be a quick, satisfying read.

these are all the sounds you wouldn't think were music

Saw Sunny Day Real Estate the other night. They put on such a good show. Everyone there was there for the right reasons. It was the first time in a long time that I had been to a show where no one in the audience was being an ass. Everyone was on their best behavior and that made the show that much more fun. The band sounded incredible and the songs they chose were a nice summary of their career.

As October creeps by, so does the money in my account. I hate money problems. They are so finalizing. Finding a job is now mandatory. Applications are out. Schedules have been clearly marked so as not to confuse again. And now the waiting game once again.

Speaking of money. New car, hopefully this weekend. And that will 100% be the end of me financially.

((the rewind button is stuck. old tapes playing. the lyrics are memorized. rehearsed. no track list. no end in sight. no comment necessary. apparently. broken violins hang from wires in a window. a rescued little flower. no dragonfly. the world was sweet.))

I have an affinity for pumpkins. I like pumpkin bread, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin coffee, and am anxiously awaiting pumpkin cream cheese. I remember when I was young and looking for the smallest and roundest baby pumpkin I could find; the babiest of the babies. I don't have a pumpkin yet.

putting together a robot without the instruction manual

So, I've started yet another book. Reading just seems so peaceful, even if the book I'm reading evokes every emotion but peace. The act of sitting\laying quietly and reading. Feeling the pages as you turn them, and feeling a sense of accomplishment as you check to see how much further you have to go. And then the final Ta-Da! when you actually finish it and take in a deep breath and reflect on the journey you just took through pages filled with words. The whole process seems almost magical, and I love it. It nevr ceases to help me escape for a moment, to help me feel a ease when I come back to reality, and help me feel more grounded. Those little moments of reading I have I cherish, I want to have more.

Currently:
Dark Tower #5 Wolves of the Calla (half-way done)
Our Noise (37 pages)
Lullabies for Little Criminals (30 pages)

The last book, Lullabies for Little Criminals I just started yesterday at the cemetery in between DT. I love it. It reminds me a lot of the last one I read, Mister Posterior and the Genius Child. Both are told by a child who is exposed to very grown-up things. The colorful language and sentence structure and descriptions of things as a child would describe things are so eye opening and fun.

"...and thought that I was good-looking enough to be in a circus with men throwing knives at me. I was especially good-looking after Id eaten spaghetti sauce and my lips were all stained orange. Whenever things were going well I started to feel vain."

just our hands clasped so tight

I’m really excited for fall to be here. Granted, it has only actually felt like Fall for the last few days… but none the less. Buying new hoodies, wearing fluffy sweats for pajamas, feeling the brisk air when you breathe, I love it all.

((falling memories like falling leaves. i wish the colors would change the same way. sunshine is foolish, the coldness is there, although hidden. it comes at any moment, without warning, the lighst don’t flash, the warning signs invisible.))


I walked past some girl today who thought she may be getting a cold, and her friend said, and I quote, “You should drink Gatorade, it has electrons in it.” I laughed as I passed them in their mini skirts and fur boots. If you are wearing one of those things, the other doesn’t match up based on weather alone, I’ll disregard the fact that it’s a miniskirt and fur boots in general.

Jobs are lined up. Now if only schedules would follow suit. I’m excited to work again. I like being around people and being busy. Not having anything to do has been harder than I would have thought. Plus, the whole money thing.

A surprise is in the mix, and as I solidified the plans and ordered it and what not, it made me think. Surprises always make me feel so off-guard. It’s that awkward nervous feeling that is so fun to watch but so uncomfortable to feel. This one wont be like that though, it has happiness written all over it. It will only bring a smile. I can’t remember the last time I was surprised with something. Not a good one anyway, not one that makes me smile.


After fall comes winter. I love the season. I hate the feelings it brings up. The nervousness of crossing off the days on the calendar is getting closer and closer. It has hit me hard, twice. Once while watching Away We Go. I liked that movie. And then again the following morning as I watched the sun rise out the window. Random times, as always. I wish I had a little more control over it, or a little more comfort when it left, but I’m stuck here with neither, and so it comes and goes when it wants…


Reading back over this, it seems like a nice little synopsis, minus school. Which I would like to minus in real life. Shows, big and small are on the horizon, a mini getaway and some friendly get-togethers.

dreams dieing distantly

Disappointment turned into utter amazement and excitement when NIN cancelled their show for 9.3 and then rescheduled it for 9.8. It was an early morning drive times two… but the three hour setlist and multiple special guests more than made up for it.

Finished the book Mister Posterior and the Genius Child by Emily Jenkins. It was a nice book to help get back into reading. Before summer and Quest I was reading so much more. Miles and I would go find a little escape, and read for a few hours everyday. I miss it, and am excited to get back into it. The book itself was fun and easy. Narrated through an 8-year old girl with an eccentric single mother in the 80’s, it kept me entertained and laughing. I want to read her other book, a collection of essays on cultural okay’s and no-no’s, Tongue First.

((step one is done. is everything okay? things are moving in a straight line. slope. shadows overlap now and overwhelm less. landscape not portrait. im not in need of a favor. the expansion is endless, the destination is final. the web is woven and visible, the strings unbreakable. understandable. manipulation? maybe.))

::sitting in the quad, waiting for photo::
boy-Do you hate the word cunt?
girl-No, I don’t care.
boy-Good, because it’s my favorite word.
girl-Favorite word or favorite thing?
boy-Both.

Dreams dieing distantly
Long lingering light
Falling further faraway
Fabricated fouled fight
Sacrificial senses stating
An awkward abandonment
Naked notions needing
Sweet succulent selfless scents
Aromas airing anonymously
Teaching the tale to tell
Dislocated dreams deadening
Fictionalizing failure; a final farewell

Not having a solid job makes me anxious. I need the stability of the paycheck. Knowing I have money coming, and a place I need to be. I need to be busy. I'll keep looking.

Little things seem to be making me the most happy. Little words. Little actions. A little relief.

she's always late

It is the unforeseen for which we must calculate most largely.



Sometimes I think people walking around, talking to their friends, family, people on the phone, etc, have no idea where they are, who they are surrounded by, or how loud they are talking. Some of the things I have heard in the last few weeks are shocking, funny, shockingly funny, and just plain sad.

I hate when I have to rely on someone so heavily. I don’t like feeling so dependent.

I know exactly what I want in the future. I know what I want, but I am terrified to say it outloud for fear of it not happening. For fear of it not panning out, not being what everyone else has in mind. I wonder how long I can hold off.

Sometimes I feel as if I am competing with myself. Running, swimming, biking, climbing… a full Iron Man race against myself. I need a water break.

Walking from class to class, watching people not knowing they are being watched. You can see the people who are afraid of life, the ones that second guess each step they take. The ones happy with the path they are taking, the ones with a bounce in their step. The ones with no motivation, walking zombie-like from edge to edge of each pathway, never in the middle, never wanting to have to look up to move. I wonder what I look like, I wonder who is watching me.

Tie it to a goal...

Plan A,B,C, and now... D.

Taking the twists and turns a little more smoothly now. Patience is the art of hoping.

I accept chaos, I'm not sure it accepts me.

((blankets not doing their job. the shivers of emotions crashing over are taking control. people not being themselves. not holding up their end of the bargain. feeling the breeze from the fall, and dreading the final landing. frustration overwhelms. changes the shapes being shown in the reflective surfaces. the truth is what you tell me, if thats what you want, if thats what it is. envy over the past. is it any different. i wouldn't know. i shouldn't know. tired of not feeling the equal, but tired of caring. tired of not knowing what to do next, tired of caring so much it hurts. the horizon is bright. the yellow is so piercing and calming at the same time. time. years even. patience is all it will take. if only i had it for everything.))

Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.

So much craziness, so little time.

School is off and running. Apart from adding the wrong class, everything seems to be going okay with them.

Jonah and LA were much needed. We walked in and handed Jonah our action figure and it felt so good to see him smile in appreciate and heartfelt laughter at the idea of this little creature we made for him. The two openers, gardening, not architecture and Iamani, were so perfect for setting the mood, engaging the crowd, and getting everyone in the right state of mind. I'm excited to see them again soon, hopefully. Jonah was amazing, played the end of the alphabet and thensome. The aftershow in the atrium on the side of Hollywood Blvd ended the night perfectly... Words can't describe how amazing the night was.

Living situation is so up in the air. It was solidified, or so I thought. It's so uneasy not knowing where you will be living. I know it has affected more than i want to admit. It makes me constantly on edge. Worrying. Hopefully the new plan will work out. Although the timing is off, I'm excited, and happy about it nonetheless.


In the next few days things should fall slowly into place, or they should...

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

Summer is more than halfway done. School is in a month. I'm nervous to go back. Not that it's going to be hard or anything I'm not ready for... just the idea of it, and how much the last one sucked. Get through this and I'll be good. That's the way I should be thinking about it.

Three more weeks of Quest. (or should I say tres?) Who sends autistic kids that don't speak english to a summer camp in Alamo? The kids are funny and annoying, and annoyingly funny. I laugh at them and with them, and most of the time it's a combination of the two.

Haven't written in here in a while. There wasn't much need besides the Europe trip. Everything was going fine. Was.

I don't like not feeling like I have my space. Not like "leave me alone" space, but just a place to call my own, or rather yet, a place I want to call my own. Hopefully things will change. There's really no choice now, they need to.

Sensitive feelings are hurt easily. It's not even hurt feelings, it's more of a 'okay, I'm done for now' kind of feeling. I feel beat down a lot of the time, especially now. Even the simplest things are bothering me; snide remarks, the way things are said, etc. They probably shouldn't. I'm just on high alert.


[more to come]

Europa

I've been back for almost a month now. The whole trip seems so surreal, almost like I can't believe I actually went.

It's funny to think back on the things we saw and experiences. It makes me wonder what the others thought or felt at that particular time. Maybe they felt nothing, maybe that's why they have no other expressions. Whatever the case, I feel like I got the most of the trip, and everything I wanted to do\expected do, we did, so that's always a nice feeling.

Paris: Our first stop. We were all tired, lost, and unable to speak the language. Parisians were the most unfriendly when it came to helping us find things, or answering questions. Conquered the usual tourist sites in about half a day. Wouldn't necessarily want to go back. Been there, done that.

Berlin: My favorite. Overnight train ride was a nice little adventure. Anna was an awesome host. We saw the wall, a bunch of parks, had local food and walked the city. The Germans were all so kind and welcoming, not to mention that almost all of them spoke english, a nice change from Paris. I felt most comfortable here. I would definitely want to go back.

Stuttgart\Tubingen\Tuttlingen: Beautiful. Again, the Germans were so welcoming. Mary's parents were beyond nice, and made us feel right at home. The food was good, and the scenery was amazing. The little German towns and countryside were nice to see after seeing the city -life of Berlin.

Chur\Zurich: Not enough time. Zurich was just a passing point, although actually couch surfing was fun and funny. Chur was breath taking, and the train ride from Z-C was so eye opening. The alps on either side of you really makes you re-evaluate things. I would like to have gotten to spend more time here.

Europe in a nutshell.

The world was built on ego

Dear ____:

What you don't say speaks volumes.

From _____.

Dear Mouth:

What you sometimes say hurts, and what you sometimes don't say, hurts even more.

From People.

Dear Paris:

I will see you in 2 days. Be ready.

From Me.

Dear 'You Are Here':

Where is here?

From 4-8-15-16-23-42.

Dear ...

Whatever it is you are suppose to do, I wish you would hurry up and do it. I wish things were simpler when it came to matters of your sorts. I hate you.

From Untitled.

I'm excited to see new things, try new things, eat new things, be around new people. I'm excited for the whole scha-bang. 

Police make me laugh. Went to get fingerprinted today, and ended up helping the squad take their new badge pictures while I waited. Some of which had to have several re-takes because they decided they didn't look good.  Weird. All I could do was laugh. At them.

This weather is weird. It's warm., and raining. I suppose this is what Paris and Europe will be like? I'm taking both cameras. I like taking pictures. I am in no way photogenic, or good at being a 'photographer,' but I like to capture things in my own light. The way I see things, which, as I have come to realize, is usually not the way others see it. I like it that way. I didn't use to. But I do now. Rarely do I actually share how I see things, or what I think for the mere fact that I doubt anyone cares, or remotely sees things the same way. People always seem so wrapped up in their own little view-finder lives to take notice. So oblivious it's almost comical, but mostly just annoying and pathetic. As long as I can continue to laugh at your expense, I'm fine with it. 

[You wouldn't have it anyother way... I'll cast you out.]

6.1.2k9

Midnight

1am-10am Sleeping...

11 am

Noon

1pm

2pm

3pm

4pm

5pm

6pm

7pm
8pm

9pm

10pm

11pm

In the blur of serenity

An amazingly fun and filled weekend. Started off with the surreal experience that was NIN\JA. Traveled down to shoreline with hours to kill and no confirmation, but with plenty of hopes of actually getting to meet the band, and being apart of something so much bigger than me. Miles and I sat around Starbucks, nothing unfamiliar for us, and waited. We finally got pre-sale tickets, and some information regarding the donation and soundcheck meet and greet package. Some more waiting, and by 4:45 we were lead through the front gates and into the ampitheatre where NIN was ready and waiting. They played four songs just for us, and we were front and center. It was a carefree kind of private concert.

So awesome. 

They left the stage and Street Sweeper Social Club was up. They were a lot of fun. I'm excited to see what they come up with for their album and to see them live again. Then it was meet and greet time. The best part was when they band member introduced themselves as if you didn't already know who they were. Nice guys. Trent, of course, was the highlight, although Robin Finck is a close second. The rest of the night consisted of friends, new and old, Rock Band, live and electronic... JA was fun to watch. Crazy by all means, atleast in stage performance, but fun nonetheless, all I could do was laugh. one of the best concerts I have been to, my first, and unfortunately maybe last NIN show. 

The trip is less than two weeks away. Trains are booked. It's funny how people are coming out of the wood-work to help out and offer their advice and support on such an amazing experience.

 Makes it that much more memorable. I hope everyone remembers their P's and Q's so to speak... 

This weekends adventure=river rafting. Never been, always wanted to. Should be fun. 

side effects are outweighing the benefits. Not sure how much more I can take.

I like hotdogs and flank steak. I like to eat for free even more. I hope this continues, but I feel like it won't.

[The flowers of naivete, buried in a layer of frost. The smell of sunshine. Sweet smell of sunshine.]

You got to curl yourself into a circle.

Cleaning up the mess that was my decision. I had unhelpful help. Moral support, if you will.

Mom is watching the 'The Bachelorette.' For some reason it made me chuckle and then feel incredible sad for her all at the same time. I think because she has been talking so openly about wanting to "get out there" and wanting "to have someone" lately, and then watching her watch and talk about this reality show with this fake woman getting a fake chance of fake men with fake love... I don't know, caught me off guard. I want her to be happy. I want her to have someone.

Reuniting with old friends feels good. Smiles.

Stomach-ache-city, it feels like I can never catch my breath. I'm wondering if this is worth it. Wednesday will tell. Of all the ones I have been through, I am hoping you have my answers. Otherwise, I am giving up on giving in, and saying fuck all and never coming back. The end.

[I will tear myself apart, if you promise to paint me as a work of art.]

I just want to dance in your tangles.

Dear: Pens and Fancy Paper Tubes

Stop being swollen. You're hurting me.

From: Ears

Dear: Paris

Why won't you give us a couch?!

From: Poor People

Dear: Switzerland

Thank you for giving us a couch. Now teach Paris your ways.

From: Grateful

Dear: KS

You make me sick. ((Edit: today you surprised me))

From: Humanity

Dear: Money

Why must you always be at war with me? Why is there never a happy balance? I hope we can rectify this situation sometime soon. 

From: Bleeding Bank Account

Everything seems to be falling into place quite nicely. A little too nicely. The meeting went really well. I'm ahead of the game when it comes to GPA and credits. Now I just need to finish those last few classes. Just. hah.

The trip is fast approaching. Plans are being finalized. Couch-Surfing will be an amazing experience. I hope that people are as open-minded as they claim to be, I would assume they would be to be apart of such an amazing, trusting, and care-free type of organization.

Sometimes I wonder what people's intentions are. Not even intentions rather, but ideas, or thoughts behind their actions I guess. The last few days especially. 

People blowing you off never feels good. Today it hurt because it was my mom. Weird. 

Finished book number 3 of the Dark Tower Series. I am debating whether to start number 4 before or after the trip. I am also reading The Alchemist, Candy Everybody Wants, and finishing House of Leaves once and for all. While reading at JustinBucks (twice today I might add) I ran into a multitude of old friends. It was nice to laugh and catch up with them. See how they've changed and how they haven't. Some surprised me by their growth and some by their lack thereof. It was nice to sit and reminisce about the old days, I wonder what other people around us thought as we recalled some of the memories and then laughed hysterically? I don't care, it was so worth the judgmental looks and quiet mumbles...

[To give me some reason to move, but to take on the world at all angles, requires a strength I can't use]

5.1.2k9

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

1 am

2am-9am = sleeping

10am

11 am

Noon

1pm

2pm

3pm

4pm

5pm

6pm

7pm

8pm

9pm

10pm

11pm