stitched together with good intentions

Christmas has come and gone.

Meals on Wheels was a success, not necessarily in terms of numbers (however we did add people to our party) but in the sense that it was fun, we gave back, and felt good about doing it. Two cars, Me, Miles and Denise, and in my mom's car was her, Haley and Nikoo. It was a fun, laid-back kind of crew. Some stressing over streets and San Francisco in general...little did we know we would get the Tenderloin District. 40 meals, some interesting sights, smells, and conversations later...

The day continued with presents and stockings, and then a big dinner with everyone. I like having a big family\friends kind of dinner, it made it more fun. Miles and I, with our limited wrapping resources, made all of our wrapping with quotes, lyrics, drawings, and sayings on them. It made each gift like a present inside a present. Some were funny, some heartfelt, some so touching it made the water flow. I loved it, and am excited to do this from here on out.

As for gifts, I got some amazing, and very "me" things... a candle from India which I love, a home-made purse which I keep getting compliments on, books from my favorite author, a monkey that warms you from the inside out, and my current obsession, Katamari.


Tomorrow is the 30th. Mixed feelings. Cirque-du-Soleil in the evening will be a nice way to be together.


Working on Top Ten's now.

Talking to Nikoo and Miles about tattoos made me want my next one that much more. First pay check is definitely helping with this need.

how good it is to see you

I started this post last night... It was one of those ones that you write, delete, write delete. Thoughts and musings from this and that.

Today and Thursday, those are the most important for this week. My last two finals of the semester, and then a nice break. Thinking about school, how much SJSU messed up things, and now having to go back and "fix" it is always kind of a downer. Butttt, on the bright side, hopefully only two more semesters here and then transferring to somewhere where I feel like I can actually use what they are teaching me.

I am comfortable. I feel like that is the best word to describe things at the moment. Nothing is surprising, which I can't decide if this is good or not. Sometimes I want small surprises, but they never seem to happen. School is the same as it has been, monotonous and dry. The days tend to meld into one, and I find myself forgetting simple things.

Things I can't seem to get enough of:
warmth-my body seems incapable of staying warm
security-simple reassurances of simple things.
competition-I get a feeling of competing for the weirdest things with people, I shouldn't, but I do.
laughter-I usually make myself laugh, or I am laughing AT myself.
sense of family-my family is weird, and unique and loving and needy and I love them, even the ones I put into my 'family' category
squishes-the feeling of being encompassed by someone else, bear hugs, cuddling, etc.
candy-all kinds, all the time. it's really quite ridiculous
you-you are my warmth, security, laughter, sense of family, squishes...and sometimes you even bring me candy.

That seems to sum it up, the rest of the can't-live-without's fit somewhere in there...

Christmas shopping is done. Wrapping the items as we go. I like the wrapping I like the wrapping I'm doing this year...it's all plain paper and I am writing messages\poems\sayings on them. A little more personal, and a lot more fun.

I decided that I wasn't going to just accept who I've become, but instead work to make myself a better person--the one I always wanted to be, but never quite had the courage to achieve.

On days like this I just need more.

planet earth turns slowly

Interview this morning at the Orinda Country Club. It was like the Claremont…beautifully and elaborately decorated for the holidays, important people walking in and out, money being flashed to get more of whatever it is they do there… And then there was me. I met with all of the “Presidents” and “V.P.’s” of this and that for the interview, it was nerve wracking. When I left and shook all their hands, one of them looked me in the eye and said “I feel honored to have met a real life hero.” It was out of character for how the rest of the meeting had been. It was a simple gesture, but it was nice, and he meant it. Weird that someone thinks of me that way.

The wind is biting. I like the feeling, it makes you feel alive.

((Sometimes I feel as if I am waiting for something. Something I fear I will never get. Odd and unsettling. Easier said than done. The past is haunting. It’s not the same., it’s not what I want. Sometimes all you need is a little more, a little reassurance, a little bow on a box. Fragile: handle with care.))

Today is full of tired eyes, a needing, wintry winds, and stresses…I need a new heating pad and a cuddly nap.

[25 minutes later, standing in the cold and rain, the whole class locked out. It’s an omen.]

Apple strudel pop tarts make the bite less fierce, if only for a minute.

Christmas plans are coming into shape. This holiday is daunting. I remember when it was all carefree; trees, ornaments and holiday cookies… but now it’s as if stress has been added as an extra ingredient to the holiday cookies. Stress must be the sprinkles.

Haley is excited that she gets to have all her presents for people be secrets for the first time, being that she can drive herself now. I remember thinking that when I first had my license, but it’s cute none-the-less. The family has decided to do stockings for everyone, which I think are the most fun because they are all little gifts, inside jokes, personal memories. I finished a lot of shopping for things via the Internet thus far. Thank god for the Internet, no crowds, only keys and credit cards, and those I can handle.

…back to class\finals\reading.

Red is a sunset
Blazy and bright.
Red is feeling brave
With all your might.
Red is a sunburn
Spot on your nose,
Sometimes red
Is a red, red rose.
Red squiggles out
When you cut your hand.
Red is a brick and
A rubber band.

((you make me red))

pick up all your tools and build a roof.

It snowed, and that's weird. Waking up to snow is not something you do in Orinda. Or any part of the East Bay for that matter. Fun to see and watch how everyone dealt with it. Facebook status' galore.


((translucence. identity fading. fuzzy shades of grey. clear clouds of white.))

As we head into the craziness that is the holidays I'm feeling more and more on edge.

A list of things coming up:
Interview for job #4
Decide which job I actually want
Write a paper
Finals next week
Christmas (planning, shopping, making, creating)
30th

All in all it's not too bad, it's just that they are all clumped together in the next two weeks or so.

In class discussion today some girl told me I was really smart, being that I hadn't read the material, and was killing the forum group. Usually I pass things such as this off as a "small-talk" kind of compliment, but today, it felt nice, especially coming from her.

((connection is weak. static. pressure is low, but the affects are high. limited options. divide and conquer.))



Secrets like this make life much more fun. Tiring, but fun. Christmas love puppets are pretty high up there too.

bubble-yumm

If it wasn't meant to be swallowed, they shouldn't have made it taste so good.


Writing in here comes so much easier than writing for school. I wish it was the other way around. Or at least equal. Maybe if I was a little more motivated, this paper wouldn't seem so utterly daunting and ultimately undoable. Neither of those are true. Tomorrow morning, me and that paper have a date.

Registration for classes is almost impossible if there are none to be had. Thank god for online classes. I'll make do. One at a time, crossing them off my list.

Listening to a mix I made for Haley as part of her B-Day gift. The gift as a whole is fun. All parts of it have something 'made' in them. I like making things for others; being creative with what I give to them. It makes gift giving that much more personal, which, isn't that how it's supposed to be? Christmas gifts are on the mind. With limited funds and limited time, there's no other choice but to be creative. Which is fine by me.

When the smallest things were fun,
The flame-bright oranges, and ocean-deep blues,
A myriad, a mixture of hues,
I knew you were the one.

elasticity electricity.

December is here. Ironic how the first day of December is the warmest we have had in a while.

I like the small outings and adventures we are able to go on. Lately they have been few and far between as work and school schedules have been all sorts of in the way. The open mic night we went to with Patrick, Shayna, Andrew and Brandi at L’amyx was inspirational. I can’t wait to go back. Everyone was so peaceful, yet powerful. They were all respectful of everyone else’s opinions, no matter how different they may have been from their own. It was so comforting and uplifting. I want to contribute, we’ll see how long that feeling lasts when I am surrounded by a room full of people and a mic stand.



Thanksgiving came and went. So did November as a matter of fact. Classes, papers, and turkey, that was my week. We went up to my Aunt’s in Auburn, just past Sacramento. It’s so beautiful up there; the trees engulf you in their flame colored leaves, animals pitter-patter about as if you weren’t even there, and the open roads and paths seem to lead nowhere and everywhere just begging you to walk them. It was a nice relaxing two days. In between some Soprano’s Pin-Ball, Ping-Pong tournaments, Alpaca feeding, and controversial Apples to Apples, there was amazing food, and fun and friendly family conversations. Everyone was getting along so well, it was Kodak perfect, and so telling by the absence of negativity in the room.

Haley is officially 16. Party on Saturday. My mom asked me the other week “Why do I need to decorate? What’s the point?” Referring to Christmas and the holidays. She meant it in terms of me living with Miles now, my Dad being gone, and her ‘baby’ being all grown up. An hour and a half later, we came to the conclusion that she needs to think more positively. If only, if only.

It’s weird when someone you “acquaintance-ly” know sees you out and about and makes weird comments. Most of the time it’s the kind of weird where I just laugh, more at them than anything.

((an impersonal name. personally pierced. a funny little timing to a funny little thing. the deepest depths are the highest highs. a straight line. equal. even.))

Ampersand.