And sometimes you feel like you are stuck in perpetual teenage chaos.

Its a Sunday evening, and one of the first that actually feels like Fall. I find myself sitting in a cafe, drinking warm chai, and mindlessly watching the people flutter around me. People wearing sweaters around their shoulders and speaking French, thick-rimmed-glasses-wearing girls and boys, first dates and old loves. I wonder where I fit in, or if I need to.

The past few days have felt like a whirlwind of twenty-somethings stuck in the sticky mess of a bad high school sitcom. Coming up to the tail end of my 'weekend' I think I made it out alive. Time is the most precious, and only time will tell. I am trying desperately to finish my book. I started A Long Way Down, by Nick Hornby, a month ago, and am about 3/4 way through. It's not that it's so bad it's agonizing to finish, or so exceptionally good that I want to savor it... it just sort of is. I'll finish it eventually, but for now, I have been filling my time with other things.

This whole Summer, and now into Fall has been a learning experience for so many reasons. Learning to be okay with yourself and who are and are not. Learning to be okay with staying in alone, and filling my time with things that I want, and but don't necessarily need. Learning which friends are there for you through the awkward ugly times and the glittery pretty ones. Learning more and more about what I want for myself and my inner circle. Learning how to be active in a relationship without taking it over or abandoning it all together. A lot of it is learning how to stay in the middle of things, and not falter to the two extremes that I so naturally and unconsciously go to. Not all of the lessons were easy, or as simple as I would have hoped, but I think that overall things are changing (still) for the better.

I have to remind myself that I am only 23, and that is too young to be such a cynical asshole. My expectations for myself are much too high, and realizing this is half the battle, but doesn't change how I feel. I'm getting there.

Don't you worry there my honey. 

We might not have any money. 

But we've got our love to pay the bills.

http://keepinginmind.tumblr.com I update this much more often, but it's nice to be able to rant too.